


bury me six feet in snow

by deadpoetlaina



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Christmas, Christmas Presents, M/M, Sad Ending, im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:15:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27782092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deadpoetlaina/pseuds/deadpoetlaina
Summary: neil has one more surprise for todd - a christmas gift he bought before he died.
Relationships: Todd Anderson & Neil Perry, Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 13
Kudos: 54





	bury me six feet in snow

**Author's Note:**

  * For [my dps friends who keep yelling at me for writing angst](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=my+dps+friends+who+keep+yelling+at+me+for+writing+angst).



> i was actually writing some fluff but in true laina fashion this popped in to my head and i immediately had to write it. enjoy and sorry??  
> p.s., thank you to val for inspiring the gift ;)

Christmas. Todd had always loved the holiday, and had looked forward to it even more when he learnt that he’d be able to spend it at Welton, away from his father, and most importantly, with Neil.

Snow was falling, coating the landscape outside of his dorm, where the winter air crept through the window. He was stood staring out at the white scenery before him, and all he felt nothing. It was easier to be empty, he found, than to let himself think about…

He blinked away the tears that were already welling in his eyes, trying to push down the nausea. The room was quiet, silent, save for his breathing. He was so cold. But he didn’t make for his coat. He let the freezing air seep into his bones. He let it claw at his heart until he felt he might die.

_“You’re first Christmas at Hellton,” Neil laughed. He was wrapped up in a knitted jumper and his glasses were perched on his nose as he examined Todd. “Are you excited?”_

_“Just happy to be away from home,” he said, desperately wanting to say, “Just happy to be with you,” instead. He let the thought hang in the air between them. He didn’t say anything._

Neil’s bed, where he once sat, was now empty, and stripped; there was no sign Neil had ever been there. Todd slowly made his way to the bed and rested a shaking hand on its frame. This was the only piece of him he had left; a bare bed, and a room that was once filled with his voice, his laugh…

The door slowly creaked open, and for a moment he expected Neil to come bounding in, hair wet from the snow.

But it was only Knox.

Charlie had been expelled, and Todd had a feeling that Knox didn’t know what to do with himself. He didn’t know whether he hung around with Todd because he was lonely, or worried. He wouldn’t be surprised if Charlie had told him to keep an eye on him.

Knox stood in the doorway for a moment, but Todd couldn’t bare to look away from his hand on the cool metal of the bedframe.

After a long silence, Knox finally spoke. “Merry Christmas.”

_“Merry Christmas!” Neil shouted into the air._

_Todd rolled his eyes. “Christmas is a month away.”_

_“So?” Neil said, playfully nudging Todd. “It’s my favourite holiday. The presents. The food. God, the food!” He paused, his smile faltering. “It’s the one day of the year that my dad isn’t a complete ass.”_

_Todd didn’t know what to say, so instead they sat in a comfortable quiet, the sound of birds chirping filling the blanks. The two of them had been rehearsing lines all day, and neither of them minded the chill autumnal air as long as they were together._

_“What do you want?”_

_“What do you mean,” Todd asked, absentmindedly flipping through the pages of the script._

_“For Christmas. What do you want?”_

_Todd looked up at Neil. His face was glowing, all seriousness from earlier gone. Todd found it odd sometimes, how quickly he could shift between happy and distant. He’d learnt not to ask – as long as he was happy…_

_Todd shook his head. “Please don’t get me anything, honestly—”_

_Neil shook his head as well. “Why not?”_

_“Because I’d have no idea what to get you.”_

_“Don’t worry about that. The only gift you can give me is spending Christmas with me.”_

“Todd?”

Todd shook his head as if to rid it of cobwebs and forced a watery smile onto his face. “Merry Christmas,” he whispered, as if saying something too loudly might shatter what little composure he still had.

Knox shuffled on his feet awkwardly before clearing his throat, and fully entering the room. It felt wrong to have someone else there, to disturb the nauseating nothingness that Todd was trying to grow accustomed to.

“We found this,” Knox said, pulling something from behind his back. It was wrapped in a red and gold paper, with a tag hanging off it. _To Todd_.

He would recognize that handwriting anywhere. His heart thudded loudly in his chest as he stared blankly at the word. His face paled, his mouth suddenly dry. 

“It was in his things,” Knox said.

“Oh.”

They stood like that for a while. Todd’s limbs suddenly felt like stone, frozen in place.

Knox placed it on the end of Neil’s bed, and opened his mouth as if to say something, before quickly leaving without a word. He forgot to close the door. A slither of light from the hallway poured into the room, illuminating the red and gold gift.

Todd looked away quickly, clenching his jaw.

 _Oh God. Oh God_. He was going to be sick. His hands were trembling as he wiped away the tears that were running down his cheeks. He couldn’t breathe. His chest was tight as he forgot how to breathe, imagining Neil carefully wrapping the present, as he imagined him thinking excitedly about a Christmas that would never come. _Oh God oh God oh God._

With shuddering breaths, he reached out for it, picking it up slowly, like it might break if it was too harsh. And there he was, holding something that Neil had once held, a piece of him, however small it may have been. His hands cradled it as he tried so desperately to remember the warmth of him, the smell of him, the softness of his hair, the glimmer in his eyes…

He tore into it, hungry for something, anything. The wrapping paper drifted to the floor like snow, until the gift was revealed.

The cover stared up at him, an intricate pattern so beautiful his breath caught. His hands ran over it, his heart racing. Opening it, he flipped through the blank pages, until he landed on one that was not empty.

There was that neat scrawl again, staring back at him.

He wished he could tell him... How could he express in words how much he wished he could go back in time and do everything differently, to hold him, to kiss him, to tell him everything. Even just to see him smile once more, it would be enough.

But he held the notebook, and he knew that this would be all he would ever have. Within it was every smile, every word, every touch. Everything lay at the centre of this book.

So, he read it once. And again. And again. And he let that pain wash over him, like it was all he had left.

_Merry Christmas Todd!  
I know you said not to get you anything, but I can’t think of anything more fitting than somewhere to put all of that beautiful poetry. Who knows, maybe I can even convince you to write a bit about me.  
Here’s to many more Christmases together!  
Yours, forever and always,  
Neil._


End file.
